Note: The author used the characters of the show Stargate SG-1 without the permission of the creators, distributors, etc. Any of the characters in the story that aren't from SG-1 are of her own creation and you need to ask her permission to borrow them. She did, however, use the characters of SG-1 with love and care.
Inner Demons - Jaci
Captain Jacinda Anderson sat back down on the bench as Sara O'Neill walked away. "I'm glad I could help her, but I didn't help myself," she said softly.
She looked around, watching the children play. "That could be Natalie," she said softly to herself, wondering what might have been.
Colonel Jack O'Neill sat next to her. "Something bothering you?" he asked, putting a hand on Jaci's arm.
"Not really," Jaci said, holding Jack's hand. "Just watching the kids."
"You miss Natalie, don't you?"
"I miss her so much. It hurts even more to think that I killed her."
"You didn't kill her, Jaci," Jack said softly, turning to face Jaci. "It wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself."
"I did, it was, and I can. I am."
"How could you let Samuels do this to you?" Jack asked.
"Bert didn't do anything, Jack. He told me the truth." Jaci's voice broke. "And the truth hurt.
Jaci turned away from Jack and looked at the children playing. She looked at one little girl, and her jaw dropped. "Now, that's not possible."
"What's not possible?"
"If I didn't know better, I would swear that that was Natalie."
Jack peered at the girl. He looked at the boy-apparently her brother-that she was playing with. "And I'd swear that was Charlie."
They looked at each other. "No. Can't be," Jaci finally said.
Jack nodded, shaken. "You're right. It can't be."
Jaci lowered her head, not wanting Jack to see her tears. "Seeing that little girl just reminded me of something."
"What?"
"I really killed her, Jack. Don't bother telling me that I didn't, because I did."
"No, you didn't!" Jack said in exasperation. "Look, it wasn't your fault the road was slippery, it wasn't your fault it was raining, it wasn't your fault that your husband was plastered and passed out in the backseat, and it sure as hell wasn't your fault that that tree was there."
Jaci shook her head. "If I'd kept Bert from getting so drunk, he would have been the one driving. He was always the better driver. He would have been able to keep control of the car."
Jack brought his hand up and slapped Jaci gently. "Get ahold of yourself!"
"You hit me," Jaci said in wonder, bringing her hand up to her stinging cheek.
"I hate the fact that I had to hit you, but it was the only way I could get you to climb down off your pedestal of guilt and self-blame and start listening to reason."
Neither of them noticed, but the two children's heads were up and they were listening intently to the conversation.
Jaci looked at Jack for a moment, tears welling up in her eyes, before she said, "Bert used to hit me. When you hit me just now, it reminded me of all the times he would hit me or push me around. Oh, don't worry," she said, holding up a hand to forestall Jack's protests. "I know you did it for my own good, but I couldn't help the memories."
Jack pulled Jaci to him and held her. She rested her head on his shoulder for a minute before softly whispering, "It's my fault, though."
"No, it's not, Jacinda," Jack whispered back. "Circumstances were out of your control. If Samuels had been driving, you probably still would have lost Natalie. The road was slippery and it was raining."
"But-"
"No buts. Let me speak." Jack looked at Jaci tenderly. "It was Natalie's time to die. There was a reason that she was taken. We might not understand it or like it, but there was a reason. We just don't know what it was."
"Jack-"
"Let me finish, Jaci," Jack said. "You're blaming yourself for something that happened two years ago. It's in the past. Put it behind you. Move on."
"I can't. I'm the one that killed her."
Neither of them saw it, but the little girl shook her head. She mouthed, "No, you didn't."
Jack looked at Jaci. "You were driving. So? It was my gun that killed Charlie, but does that mean I blame myself still? No," he lied. "Not since I met you."
Jaci laughed softly. "I know I shouldn't blame myself, but Bert blamed me for so long that it's become second-nature to me."
"Samuels is a no-good bastard," Jack said softly.
"But Christie sees the good in him."
"Unlucky her," Jack said sardonically.
Jaci pulled back and looked at Jack. He's right, she realized. He's right. I didn't kill her. Circumstances were out of my hands. It was her time to go.
Jaci kissed Jack quickly and stood. "I've got to get back to the base," she said, sticking her hands in her pockets. "I've got a meeting with Hammond about something, and I don't need or want to be late."
As Jaci walked off, she thought, They're gone. My inner demons are gone. I can't allow them to come back.
On an impulse, she turned around again. The young children raised their arms and waved. "I knew you'd stop blaming yourself eventually, Mother!" Natalie called out.
"Thank his father for that!" she called back, gesturing to the boy at Natalie's side.
A smile on her face, Jaci walked off.